Games the mind plays during an IVF pregnancy

This is a guest post from an expert patient, who is pregnant

Dear Dr Malpani,

Today was not a great day- Its 7w2d right now, and I oscillate so much between fantastic days and horrible ones that these remaining 7 months are going to be hard. I see it, I feel it. I place too much weight on my illogical symptoms and I need to let go of that. I have ‘zero’ nausea. I started with hunger pangs and some stretching and aching in the general uterus area and increased frequency of peeing and it’s all dying down. The only thing consistent are my heavy breasts- and I’m taking external progesterone, so I don’t know what to credit them to.

I wake up at night in a sweat, wondering of my baby is still fluttering… worry if it’s growing and as I lie awake at night for a bit- then I just drink water, urinate and try to fall back asleep. I panic in the day if I forget to think about my baby for over an hour. I dream about holding her, then feel guilty for dreaming. I look up baby names, then abruptly shut the browser window. I just wish I didn’t know that I was pregnant- because if I didn’t, all these symptoms that I feel or don’t feel would just be chalked up to nothing. I wish I could go back to the innocent days of not knowing what could go wrong. I wish I could get my faith back right now- because today it’s giving me a very tough time.

I am not complaining - I know that complaints don't help, and that I have a lot to be grateful for. Still, I wish there was a way I could fast forward time !

And if I get through my 8 week appointment with a beautiful ultrasound and a strong beating heart and perfect size baby and sac, I will remind myself with this post that my symptoms- actual or lack thereof mean nothing. I have to enjoy what there is to enjoy and suffer what there is to suffer. Treat both joy and suffering as part of life and keep praying every single day.

As an IVF doctor, all I can do empathise and pray ! I know the waiting is hard - and even after 25 years as an IVF specialist, there's still so much suspense and anticipation while we wait for our patient's HCG reports and pregnancy scan updates.